Dr Annick De Houwer:
How to get your child to speak your language and still be friends [Part 1]
This is an edited transcription of a presentation held at the PEaCH summit 10.11.2021.
Dr Annick De Houwer’s pioneering research on bilingual children’s language development has been highly influential. In addition to many journal articles and book chapters, she has published four books on bilingual children.
Dr De Houwer is the President* of the International Association for the Study of Child Language and directs the Harmonious Bilingualism Network. HaBilNet aims to support and stimulate scientific research into harmonious bilingualism and to make sure the results of that research are widely disseminated amongst families and educators.
I just want to say that I’ve been studying bilingual children for over 40 years now. Yes, that’s true—more than 40 years. From the moment I started studying bilingual children, I also began receiving requests from parents to consult with them and answer their questions. Of course, in the early days, I wasn’t much of a specialist yet, but this work continued and grew over time.
What I’ve found is that the questions parents ask today are largely the same as those they were asking 40 years ago. The big difference now is that I have a wealth of answers, thanks to all the research that’s been conducted in this field. I think that’s wonderful, and I’m particularly glad to see so much outreach work happening now. It’s even better that this outreach work involves and engages with researchers—it’s the only way forward, really.
On a personal note, I’ve lived in many different countries and continents. Although I wasn’t raised bilingually myself, I became very aware of different languages as a young child. I’ve raised a bilingual child of my own and now have two grandchildren being raised trilingually — or at least bilingually in some way. Through this personal experience, as well as consultations with parents over the years, I’ve learned so much—and I continue to learn even now, through initiatives like HaBilNet
So, here we go: the title of this talk is How to Get Your Child to Speak Your Language and Still Be Friends. It’s a bit tongue-in-cheek, but not entirely, because this can be a serious issue for many families. The content of this talk is based on a very new chapter I’ve written, and I’m excited to share it with you.
Part of my talk is also based on a chapter titled Developmental Perspectives on Parents’ Use of Discourse Strategies with Bilingual Children, which I co-authored with Janice Nakamura from Japan. I want to emphasize that everything I’m sharing with you is fully backed by relevant scientific research. To me, it’s incredibly important that what I say isn’t based on personal opinion — I can clearly show where my ideas originate from.
Family
Now, let’s talk about families. We often think of a family as just a couple, maybe with a dog. But, as this next image illustrates, families are much broader. They include grandparents on both sides and extended relatives. People naturally want their children to communicate with all family members, including their grandparents.
Regardless of the family structure, parents always aim for strong communication within the family. A crucial part of growing up is learning to talk — whether through spoken or signed languages in cases where hearing is an issue. Ultimately, the goal is for children to connect with family members in the languages they speak.
Orhan’s Story
Let me introduce you to Orhan. That’s not his real name, but this example is based on a real consultation. Orhan lives in London. From birth, his mother spoke Turkish to him, while his father always addressed him in English. Naturally, the dominant language outside their home was English.
By age four, Orhan spoke fluent English and understood Turkish but didn’t speak it. His mother, with whom I spoke recently, was deeply saddened by this situation because it meant Orhan couldn’t communicate with his Turkish grandparents.
The issue was exacerbated by the COVID-19 pandemic over the past year and a half, during which in-person visits were impossible. Even during video calls, Orhan would leave the room when his mother started Skyping with her parents. He felt uncomfortable because he knew he couldn’t speak Turkish. This breakdown in communication with his grandparents became a real issue for the family.
Leah’s Story
Let me share another example, this time about Leah (not her real name). I met Leah when I was a PhD student living in Bruges, though I have no idea where she lives now. I’ve written about her in my research, and this is her story.
When Leah was three years old, her mother had been speaking Dutch to her since birth, while her father always spoke to her in English. By the age of three, Leah spoke fluent Dutch and understood some English, but she only used the words “yes” and “no” in English. This deeply upset her father — not just saddened, as in Orhan’s story, but genuinely angered him. He felt Leah’s refusal to speak English was a rejection of him personally, as well as his language.
This is not an uncommon reaction from parents, though, as we know, young children’s linguistic choices are rarely about rejecting a parent. Still, Leah’s situation illustrates a common phenomenon: many children raised in bilingual households grow up speaking only one language, even when they are exposed to two or more from their parents.
A Global Phenomenon
I conducted a large-scale study analyzing data from surveys conducted around the world, and this phenomenon of bilingually reared children speaking just a single language is surprisingly widespread. It’s not restricted to any one region or culture but is a global issue. Parents are often deeply saddened — or even distressed — when their children don’t speak their language, and I’ve documented numerous examples of this in my research.
Why Does This Happen?
There are many reasons why children might not speak a language that one of their parents speaks to them. In my most recent (and admittedly academic) book, I explore these reasons in detail. If you’re interested, feel free to email me, and I’d be happy to share it with you.
While there are many factors at play, one critical point I want to emphasize is…
Children Need a Reason to Speak Two Languages
For young children to learn and use two languages, they must genuinely need to speak them. There must be a clear necessity to use both languages in their daily lives.
In monolingual environments, this isn’t an issue — children have no choice but to use the single language available to communicate. However, in bilingual settings, there’s often an option to use just one language, which can lead to the other language being underused.
This is why it’s so important for caregivers to create a need for the child to use both languages. Specifically, they should encourage children to respond in the same language the caregiver is speaking to them at any given time. This consistency is key, and I’ll elaborate more on this point later.
If this need is established early on, it becomes a habit — a kind of unspoken agreement — between the caregiver and the child about which language they will use together. Starting this practice early significantly increases the likelihood that the child will continue speaking the language they are addressed in.
That said, as children grow older, maintaining this habit can become more challenging. There are often quite a few hurdles, but the way caregivers respond to these challenges plays a crucial role in sustaining the child’s bilingualism.
Language Choice
Language choice — the language your child speaks and the language you use in a particular conversation — is fundamental. However, this choice is not always a conscious one. If you speak two or more languages, you’re constantly making decisions about which language to use. For example, right now, I’m speaking in English. But I could switch to Dutch momentarily, and then back to English because most of you wouldn’t understand Dutch.
This fluidity of choice reflects the repertoire of languages a person has. For bilingual children, how they choose their language and, more importantly, how caregivers respond to that choice is critical.
Responding to Language Choice
Typically, we expect children to respond in the same language we use to speak to them. That’s what we naturally anticipate in conversations with other adults — people tend to adjust and accommodate their language to one another. Similarly, we might expect our children to address us in the language we consistently use with them.
However, very young children may sometimes use a word or phrase in a language you understand but are not using with them at that moment. This is natural and happens quite often.
Language Contexts and Expectations
It’s important to note that I’m not prescribing a rigid “one person, one language” approach here. You might speak two languages to your child but in different contexts. For instance, during dinner, you might speak Portuguese because your partner speaks it too. Then, at bedtime, you might switch to German.
Within these contexts, it’s reasonable to expect your child to respond in the language you are using at that time. For example, during dinner, you’d expect the child to speak Portuguese, even if they occasionally throw in a German word. Later, during bedtime, you would expect them to speak German.
This approach encourages children to respond in the same language that is being used in a given moment, aligning with the context and conversation.
What to Do When a Child Uses a Different Language
If your child uses a word or phrase in a language you understand but aren’t speaking at the moment, you have a few options:
- Ignore It: You could simply do nothing and ignore the unexpected language choice. If you’re bilingual, you might not even notice it consciously because you understood it. However, consistently ignoring this behavior might lead to your child gradually stopping their use of the language you wish to nurture — especially if that language isn’t the dominant societal language.
- Respond Accordingly: On the other hand, if you want your child to speak your language, it’s important to address their language choice, either by gently correcting them or encouraging them to respond in the language you are using.
If you’re okay with your child not speaking your language, then this isn’t an issue. But for most people, especially those who want their children to communicate with extended family members, nurturing the language is crucial.
Final Thoughts
Ultimately, the key is creating consistent opportunities and contexts where children are encouraged to use the desired language, while also being flexible and understanding. By doing so, you can help your child build a strong foundation in both languages while preserving meaningful connections with family and culture.
* Dr. De Houwer’s term as IASCL President went from 2021 until 2024
You can read Part 2 of the presentation here.